Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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