Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
