Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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