I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
