ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
