I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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