I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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