i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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