We won't sleep together?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
