i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
