Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
