come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
