Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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