This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
