He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
