He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
