I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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