She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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