Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
jump out the window naked night went bad
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
