first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The adults are the big ones right?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize