Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize