I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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