I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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