I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize