I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
