drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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