I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
