I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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