Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
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