Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
