I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
