I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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