I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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