I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
