The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
