The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
