so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
