Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
soo... how was my night?
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