I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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