If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
