it's like iHOP with fire
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I want a musical about memes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
