OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
