can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
