so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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