I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
