I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
