thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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