I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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