everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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