Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
