T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think your dad took our porno
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Two words: blizzard sex
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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