Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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