jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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