Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
