also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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