You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
