Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
