We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
